Horizon: Zero Daaamn

The brief flurry of snow across Eastern England yesterday got me thinking about Horizon Zero Dawn (specifically the Frozen Wilds DLC), my absolute favourite game this year – maybe even on PS4 so far.

I thought about writing a large article about how much I love the game, how beautiful it is, how spot on the gameplay is, photo mode, etc… But then I thought, why conform? Let’s change it up, readers. “Adapt and survive” as they say.

Without further ado, here’s a rap about Horizon.

Yes. I said rap.

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The Fresh Princess of the Banuk

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Put down that book
I’ll tell you how I became princess of a tribe called Banuk

In south Mother’s Cradle born and raised
On the tundra was where I spent most of my days
Chillwater, maxin’ my bow all cool
And all shooting a watcher outside abandoned school
When a couple of Carja who were up to no good
Started burning things in my neighbourhood
I got in one little fight and Rost got scared
He said, “You’re movin’ with some random strangers in the Cut.”

I begged and pleaded with him day after day
But he packed my armour and sent me on my way
He gave me a Sling and gave me a fast travel pack.
Put my Shield Weaver on, I said, “Had enough of this Bellowback.”

First machine, yo, this is bad
Spitting hot Blaze, damn that Scorcher’s mad.
Is this what people of the Banuk living like?
Hmm, should mod my lance strike.

But wait I hear they’re prissy, frozen, all that
Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat?
I don’t think so
I’m a beast, a Chinook
I hope they’re prepared for princess of Banuk

Well, the game loaded and when I autosaved
There was Aratak like a flop standing there with my name out
I don’t need to start contestin’ yet
I just got here
I slinged with the quickness like a storm, disappeared

I whistled for a Charger, when it came near
Called Charlie, mooed: “Fresh”, had ice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this bot was rare
But I thought, “Nah, forget it.”
– “Yo, home to Banuk.”

I pulled up to the camp about 7 or 8
And I yelled to Charlie, “Yo home override ya later.”
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne, Princess of the Banuk

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Lyrics credit to DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince ;P